| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I bought a seven dollar pen because I am always losing pens and I am tired of not caring ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I am going to do a bunch a jokes that require you actually seeing me, and then the CD will piss people off ... |
| From Mitch All Together |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... when I was a boy I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was ... |
| From Mitch All Together |
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| Also See: Family Quotes |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck, don't go see Dr Acula ... |
| From Mitch All Together |
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| Also See: Doctor Quotes Monster Quotes Scary Quotes |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... don't you think rumors suck man ... |
| From Howard Stern Show on October 12, 2004
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| Also See: Talk Show Quotes |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I love the FedEx driver because he is a drug dealer and he don't even know it ... |
| From Mitch All Together |
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| Also See: Drug Quotes Love Quotes |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick, that would be convenient ... |
| From Mitch All Together |
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| Also See: Sports Quotes |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I think Pringles's initial intention was to make tennis balls ... but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up a big old truck of potatoes arrived ... but Pringles is a laid back company, they said "cut them up" ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Also See: Food Quotes Sports Quotes Tennis Quotes |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I play tennis, the thing that is depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as the wall, I played a wall once, their relentless ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Also See: Sports Quotes Tennis Quotes |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... severed foot is an ultimate stocking stuffer ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Also See: Christmas Quotes Holiday Quotes Scary Quotes |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I like to wear a do not disturb signs around my neck so that little kids don't tell me knock knock jokes ... |
| From Mitch All Together |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... the only way I can get my cds into a store is if I bring it in myself and leave it ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I order the club sandwhich all the time, and I'm not even a member, man, I don't know how I get away with it ... |
| From Mitch All Together |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... you know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I can type 100 words a minute ... in my own language ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I want to hang a map of the world in my house, then I am going to put pins into all the locations I have traveled to, but first I will have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down ... |
| From Mitch All Together |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy ... |
| From Unknown |
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| Mitch Hedberg: |
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... I don't like protesting, but I don't know how to show it ... |
| From Unknown |
